Tag: desperation

I Wanted to Share it With You

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You who are always there

Rays of light hitting a dark path through the forest, with the end in sight
Thank you Christiaan Huynen on Unsplash for the image

I wanted to share it with you
The gift that penetrates my violent miscreating
Savouring its own gentleness, permeating so softly that I can bear its entering

I wanted to share it with you
Your mind, open and receiving, yold to depths of gratitude 
Whose consistency yet eludes my ever-presiding choice

I wanted to share it with you
Certain of your implacably honest, infinitely receptive heart 
I wanted to share it with you
The moment I began to wonder if there was another way of thinking

It’s been like cigarettes; a smoker allowing themselves to gorge on filthy air
Relying on eventual disgust and derision
Perceived pleasure turning to, finally unmistakable, pain
The remotest moment from my sanity
Gorging insatiable desire for vanity, victimhood and blame
Believed inability to change that which I cannot bear
Determination not to surrender my desperate need to one who is able
To help me

I wanted to share it with you
The loneliness of wandering deep in the darkness of my indignation
Though always, always, beneath the frosted ground on which I trod
In the sullen air I breathed
And deep in the mind that raged with clamorous certainty
There, unmistakably present throughout everything,
Was your love
And I could never have travelled the lonely breadths of hopelessness
Without you

Finally, I trust, the ring of responsibility will be drawn
The peace evocative of gentle laughter will return
And I will be my own friend again
Lover of all that is beautiful, simple, and as far beyond my raging
As the universe of light is beyond the weight of my quilted profiting
Though encompassing and dissolving it lightly within its own gown of gentle gratitude

I wanted to share it with you
The gleam of projected hope
The memory of miracles past
And the clarity that remains
Though sunk like a small stone within the depths of my murky assertion

I have been plagued by troubled notions
Drowning in perceived helplessness
Unwittingly recreating irks of my own past troves
Digging through subterrene tunnels and wandering on hills of blackened heather 
In wretched pursuit of my comfort and my love

I have found her, barren and weeping,
And though I do not yet know what will emerge from her finding
I can see that everything within and around me is still, gently, powerfully
With utmost, unshakeable certainty
Guiding us both home

I wanted to share it with you
The gift of my eventual becoming
I need to rest for a little while longer
But first, first I wanted to share it with you

The Side Door

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Finding the cracks

An old blue door slightly open, darkness inside
Thank you to Aziz Acharki on Unsplash for the image

If you cannot stand, facing, knocking at the front door
If the demon is unconquerable through straight, unswerving means
If control becomes unwrestable from the devil within
And your mind is impervious to tactics you intended to employ
Though their theory stands implacable within your belief and understanding

If your heart is wrestling, candid, amongst the many wolves of hatred, fear and peaceless writhing
If the context of your practice renders it incapable of penetration
To the murky depths in which you choose to sit and wade
If the inconsolable nature prevails 
And the unrelenting assertion never ceases to withstand
You can find a side door

Try creeping silently around, knocking gently 
At one that no one has ever found
A window open just an inch, dark, unoccupied within
All attention focused on the voracious vocation of hating

Try slipping softly through any open breach, however small
If you are patient and merely watch the unfolding
There will be an opening, a brick missing in a side wall
A forgotten latch, a barrier stood brazen but choked on cobbled floor
Pushed closed to no avail
A gate that, neglected, has become derelict through the unrelenting poison play of time

There will be a gap, there will be an opening
And in the tender twilight of eventual longing
For harmony, for gentle remembering,
For symphonies of joy cascading between expanding, softening walls
You will allow yourself, secretly, to enter

You will feel the entering, and you will not resist
Though you persist, focus and fire, fighting foremost in your mind
Still determined on your deathful, rageful charge
You allow this calm, small voice to penetrate your mind
So quietly it enters you did not observe it’s coming
Though you felt it’s presence, and secretly welcomed its relief (though we will never tell…)

You can keep your consistency of determination for death’s dying goal
You can focus your attention on hatred, attack
Anguished thoughts that tear at your heartstrings 
And cast you into wasted thorny deserts of your previous contention
That infinitely interesting, unfathomably meaningless occupation

But still, this gentle voice has entered, and now offers you its council and its plan
So gently it advances just a subtle change of plea
So noiselessly it offers you a new dream, a new interpretation
A universe unenchanted by the mocking, gnarling wolverines of war

You are welcome
You are welcome to commit your time and all your energy to hating
You are welcome to turn to battles raging and impervious within your veiled mind

And You are welcome
You are welcome now to enter in the side door
And offer me painless relief from the incessant clamour of my snarling, terrified mind

Something Real

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In gratitude for truly authentic expression

Author image, thanks to NightCafe AI

If you say something real
It can’t not be received
If you say something 
That within their own hearts they can feel

If you say something true
Something that feels alive
Beating deep within your heart
Or bubbling up inside

If you say something you can feel
Within your very cells
There’s nothing else that they can do
But feel it there as well

I can feel your words
Within my beating heart
I can feel the burning
Of your thoughts inside my hearth

I can feel the silkening
Of your gently tumbling hair
As you fall into the spirit’s
Wholly death defying stare

As you stand alone
Within the worlds that you have made
Raging at the forces
You believe can hold you staid

I can see your mind
As it’s lashing out in pain
I’m sorry for the winding pathways
Harrowing again

I would love to speak to you
As we in heaven do
Standing at the end of time
Each other’s dearest view

The chasm it is cursed
As it tears your plans in two
The teeth are gnashing wildly
As they are wont to do

The peace of being true
To the self that sings the soul
The force that clears the flotsam
From the mind that ousts the storm

Is wholly to be felt 
And wholly to be known
And wholly to be cherished
As you step in from the cold

So next time you say something true
I’ll hear you from afar
And answer you from closer than
Your gently beating heart