You who are always there

I wanted to share it with you
The gift that penetrates my violent miscreating
Savouring its own gentleness, permeating so softly that I can bear its entering

I wanted to share it with you
Your mind, open and receiving, yold to depths of gratitude 
Whose consistency yet eludes my ever-presiding choice

I wanted to share it with you
Certain of your implacably honest, infinitely receptive heart 
I wanted to share it with you
The moment I began to wonder if there was another way of thinking

It’s been like cigarettes; a smoker allowing themselves to gorge on filthy air
Relying on eventual disgust and derision
Perceived pleasure turning to, finally unmistakable, pain
The remotest moment from my sanity
Gorging insatiable desire for vanity, victimhood and blame
Believed inability to change that which I cannot bear
Determination not to surrender my desperate need to one who is able
To help me

I wanted to share it with you
The loneliness of wandering deep in the darkness of my indignation
Though always, always, beneath the frosted ground on which I trod
In the sullen air I breathed
And deep in the mind that raged with clamorous certainty
There, unmistakably present throughout everything,
Was your love
And I could never have travelled the lonely breadths of hopelessness
Without you

Finally, I trust, the ring of responsibility will be drawn
The peace evocative of gentle laughter will return
And I will be my own friend again
Lover of all that is beautiful, simple, and as far beyond my raging
As the universe of light is beyond the weight of my quilted profiting
Though encompassing and dissolving it lightly within its own gown of gentle gratitude

I wanted to share it with you
The gleam of projected hope
The memory of miracles past
And the clarity that remains
Though sunk like a small stone within the depths of my murky assertion

I have been plagued by troubled notions
Drowning in perceived helplessness
Unwittingly recreating irks of my own past troves
Digging through subterrene tunnels and wandering on hills of blackened heather 
In wretched pursuit of my comfort and my love

I have found her, barren and weeping,
And though I do not yet know what will emerge from her finding
I can see that everything within and around me is still, gently, powerfully
With utmost, unshakeable certainty
Guiding us both home

I wanted to share it with you
The gift of my eventual becoming
I need to rest for a little while longer
But first, first I wanted to share it with you